It is currently [TIME] here in the beautiful state of Texas. The sun has finished making its rounds across the sky for today, leaving behind a beautiful trail of stars. As we look up to the night sky, with its stars shining and glimmering through the atmosphere, one question is at the forefront of all our minds: Who will be the next president, of the United States?
You're listening... to Election Night radio.
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With previous election cycles we have not known with definitive certainty who the next president would be until days (sometimes weeks) after Election Day. Current exit polling in key battleground states is hinting that this may once again be the case for this years Election. As always, we here at EN Radio will do our best to provide you with accurate and up-to-date reports to keep you properly informed. We'll also be opening up the lines later tonight to see how our listeners are feeling, so stay tuned if you want to have a chance to be heard on ENR.
Until then, here's the current situation:
The states of *Georgia, Indiana, Kentucky, South Carolina, Vermont, and Virginia had their polls closed at 7 pm Eastern Time. These states provide a total of 60 electoral votes, 16 of them coming from the state of Georgia. Both parties are watching this state carefully as this is one of they key battleground states for this years election. Four years ago we saw the Peach State turn blue for the first time since 1992, due in large part to various voter outreach programs.
At 8 pm Eastern Time, polls closed in Alabama, Connecticut, Washington DC, Delaware, Florida, Illinois, Maine, Maryland, Massachusettes, Mississippi, Missouri, New Hamphsire, New Jersey, *North Carolina, Ohio, Oklahoma, *Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, Tennessee and West Virginia. Of the 208 electoral votes present here, 35 of them stem from battleground states. Pennsylvania with 19, and North Carolina's 16 Electoral votes are highly contested.
9 pm Eastern saw polls close in the states of *Arizona, Arkansas, Colorado, Iowa, Kansas, Louisiana, *Michigan, Minnesota, Nebraska, New Mexico, New York, North Dakota, South Dakota, Texas, *Wisconsin and Wyoming. Totaling 169 electoral votes, 36 of these are up for grabs. Here's the breakdown... 15 of these come from the state of Michigan, 11 from the state of Arizona, and 10 from Wisconsin. The states of Michigan and Wisconsin are parts of what used to be seen as a dem stronghold, the Blue Wall, as it is often referred to. Following the 2016 and 2020, elections, these two states now show that this wall might have a few cracks in it.
Stay tuned.
Data from previous election results showed a potential shakeup in the state of Texas, but current data trends and polling statistics from ENR and various other news sources indicate that this is not likely to occur for this election cycle.
We recently interviewed Dr. Brawn, a political scientist over at the University of Texas, regarding Texas's long-term potential as a Republican stronghold. Per Dr. Braun, "The way I see it, Texas will remain a deep shade of red for the following decades, unless some bizarre event shakes up the state (and the country) over night." When asked further on what sort of "bizarre event" she may have been alluding to, Dr. Brawn declined to comment. We also reached out to various graduate students in the department of political science to see what they thought. One student, who preferred to stay anonymous, stated "oooooooooo man, my [beep]ing head hurts dude. You got any pain meds or something?" The student, in case it wasn't obvious from that exchange, was incredibly hungover...
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[Brighter!] At 10 o clock EST, the final battleground state, Nevada, closed its polls. While Nevada is host to only 6 electoral votes, both parties are watching this race carefully. Montana and Utah also had its polls close at this hour, bringing the total of Electoral votes tallied during this hour to 16.
A few minutes ago California, Idaho, Oregon, and Washington closed their polling locations at 11pm Eastern. These states have 78 electoral votes, carried largely by the state of California and its 54 Electoral votes. Three of these states, excluding Idaho, are incredibly likely to vote Dem. It is important to note that we say "incredibly likely" as opposed to "absolute certainty", because we here at ENR understand that the language we use is critical in establishing ourselves as a trustworthy and reliable platform for news and information.
On that note of "incredible likeliness vs. absolute certainty", we spoke with another political scientist at the University of California to gauge their thoughts on the matter. Dr. Brain is a professor of political science and independent researcher for the Institute of Voter Outreach. Here's what she said: "The way I see it, California will remain a deep shade of blue for the following decades, unless some bizarre event shakes up the state (and the country) over night." When asked further on what sort of "bizarre event" she may have been alluding to, Dr. Brain declined to comment.
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Hawaii will have it's polls close at midnight eastern time and Alaska at 1am.
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So there's the numbers and times but where do we actually stand right now? Kamala Harris currently has won the states of [LIST STATES] and [AMOUNT] electoral votes. Donald Trump, meanwhile, has won [STATES] and [AMOUNT] electoral votes. It is still far to early to call the presidential race for either candidate, so please stay with us as we follow this race as it develops.
We'll be opening up the lines to see what our audience thinks after this short break, we'll be right back!
Election Night Radio is made possible thanks to your support.
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You're listening to Election Night Radio.
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[IF NO CHANGES]: Since we last left off, there have been no confirmed updates to the Presidential race.
[IF CHANGES]: Since we last left off, the state of [STATE] has been called to [CANDIDATE], bringing up their total to [AMOUNT] electoral votes.
A candidate needs 270 electoral votes to win. The night is still young, and the presidency remains up for grabs!
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I would like to issue a correction and a formal apology: Earlier we stated that Wyoming (a state with 3 electoral votes) would have its polls closed at 9pm Eastern. Since issuing that statement, we have been informed that Wyoming no longer exists. As we look closer at our map, we see a Wyoming shaped void where a state used to reside, replaced not by seas or even empty fields absent of any and all life, but by nothing. A dark, cold, sickening emptiness that provides nothing but dread. Nothing but fear... I.. I hate looking at it... Please, please take this away... I...
[Suddenly bright!]
I'm sorry about that everyone! I'm not at all sure what happened but lets move on! Candidates need 268 electoral votes to win the presidency, Kamala Harris currently has [AMOUNT] against Donald Trump's [AMOUNT]. Let's go ahead and open the lines to see what you at- ... hold on... I have just been informed that there is an upset in the state of Florida... What? We have another correction to make!
Florida was previously called to Donald Trump but there appears to have been a major update. There was an issue in which hundreds of thousands of votes were NOT properly tallied. We're not sure if this might lead to another situation similar to 2000's Bush v. Gore, but regardless, a third party candidate has just won the state of Florida! Current third party candidates include the Green Party's Jill Stein, the Libertarian Party's Chase Oliver, Independent Robert Kennedy, and various others.
I... I'm being told however that NONE of those won the state! Instead, Florida now goes to... what?! No, no, no this can't be right! The- the state of Florida and its 30 electoral votes have gone to... me! Oh man!! I- How is this even possible?
[Clear Throat]
To everyone listening at home, it appears that I have won the state of Florida. This feels like a good opportunity to present our listeners with another interview that we held a few days ago in Orlando, Florida. Election Night Radio reached out to Political Science professor Dr. Brawl over at the University of Central Florida. Florida, initially thought to be a swing state, has shown itself to be solid red in the last few election cycles. We asked Dr. Brawl if there is any likelihood that Florida could go back to being a contested state any time soon. Her response: "The way I see it, Florida will remain a deep shade of red for the following decades, unless some bizarre event shakes up the state (and the country) over night." When asked further on what sort of "bizarre event" she may have been alluding to, Dr. Brawl declined to comment.
Given the current state of affairs, it appears that a quote, "bizarre event" has occurred in the state of Florida. While we work to identify the potential causes, lets go back to the main race at hand. Currently, several states have closed their polls, leaving the candidates at- ... just a moment... we have another correction to our previous reporting.
Earlier tonight, ENR reported that a state of... y yaw ming? wayo ming? yeming? A state south of Montana had disappeared off the face of the Earth. We now report that such a state never existed! There are no records of any state having existed directly north of Colorado. We would like to apologize for any confusion this reporting may have caused. There are only 560 electoral votes, with candidates needing 280 to win.
You heard that correctly, 560 electoral votes. Previous elections had a sum total of 538 electoral votes, requiring candidates to win 270 in order to claim the presidency. This year, however, the electorates have removed the three electoral votes that remained from unknown instances, and added 25 electoral votes for the newly recognized State of Jeff. Moments ago, congress issued a formal apology for the drastic oversight in excluding Jeff from the electoral process. Jeff was officially recognized as America's 50th state, which was fortunate given that all Flags currently in use by Federal and State governments already had 50 stars for no apparent reason. Donald Trump has issued a statement saying "I love Jeff. Jeff is the greatest!". A response from the Kamala Harris campaign regarding the State of Jeff has not yet occurred.
We'll be taking another short break here in just a moment. When we return, it'll be YOU doing the talking. The lines will open up to hear your thoughts on tonight's events.
You're listening to Election Night Radio.
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Welcome back to Election Night Radio.
During the intermission we received multiple confirmed reports of gunfire and mass violence across the state of Texas. We are unable to determine if this is election related, a regular Tuesday night, or perhaps a bizarre event that may shake up the state (and the country) over night. Until anything happens, we'll still here, giving you election coverage you can depend on. And now, you too can be a part of that election coverage! We are opening up the lines for listeners, feel free to call in for your chance to be featured!
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Thank you to everyone who dialed in! Unfortunately, we'll have to cut this broadcast short. Given current events, we are likely to lose power shortly for an unknown period of time. Election Night Radio will attempt to continue its coverage on our website and through our mobile app. Thank you as always for your support.
This has been, Election Night Radio.
Election Night Radio is a work of satire. Today's episode was written in 3 hours as an exercise in impromptu creative writing. Today's episode was also recorded live! Please note that the events expressed in today's episode are fictional, and done with the intent of providing a slight distraction from the stressors of the real U.S. election. Whatever happens within the following hours, the sun will still shine on tomorrow.
Thanks for listening, and thank you for your support!
This has been, Election Night Radio.